Personal Log *something something number*

I couldn't find a place where any of my friends would find this. But I couldn't keep it in due to overwhelmingly sad emotions of helplessness. Mayhaps they find it or not, I don't mind, however I just want to let it out.

Right now, I have driven a nail on someone I shouldn't have. There is true regret in my mind right now. The respect and trust I could've maintained got a wee bit shaken, like a lot, and the wee bit just flew off the rails.

So from this point on I'm in my mind set to let the cat free of my care, personally and whatever the other side feels of. Right now, I trapped two cats inside of me. Nurtured in the way a inexperienced owner would have done. The cats had an instruction manual, but it wasn't exactly as accurate as I thought it would since changes greatly varied.

From the point of their changes the manual kind of failed and I blindly just grasped around for it that it ended quite horribly. Not grotesque cause it would be extreme to say it did. Actions didn't help, and thinking of solutions on your own would just end up trapping the two cats deliberately into a turmoil of confusion.

In the end after trying and failing on majority of the things you think would be a fine solution, you end up with things you wouldn't think over during the course of learning about them.

1. Patience
2. Acceptance
3. Learning

And maybe a little bit more into looking into what your significant cats are and are not.


This is a clear impasse on what I perceive I should be doing, what my life was, what my life is. Just an unlucky current phase where I couldn't find joy in things for my own limits fault. Being free from my own restraints will be the best solution for this, may providence guide me and probably let me see the light in things again. Despite seeing and being in the dark.

 

Original Character Archive . 6 of my Oldest

Back in College I had tons of time in my hands and enjoyed illustrating tons of stories in short doodles, or write the ideas in some kind paper doing my best to string words pretending to be a writer in my own world. Sadly I never got to finish any good writing in them, but the idea's are still recorded, all kept hidden in some treasure box I couldn't remember where I placed. It was only during this part of my life that I got to record my stories properly, at least after my fourth year of high school when I obsessed for some time on a story I didn't get truly to finish even though I've written a draft of fifty pages.

Realizing that I enjoyed writing the idea's or stories despite not finishing them had myself become obsessed, or like a part of my life, to keep tabs of all the characters I could keep and integrate them in my stories in the future. Usually I form a sort of original character and the story comes along, or vice-versa, what ever idea I needed to form into. Like a normal creative person could do, in whatever means they know.

The longest running characters in my head are 6 of my oldest children, by my creative brain. They're different from my persona like characters named Hi and High, both androgynous looking semi-guess-the-gender type of characters since I never truly gave them a definitive description but that Hi looks like a boy that dresses like a girl sometimes and High is vice-versa.

The 6 children we're beings from the story I made in my head about a boy who lived in a place that had nothing but the only known land he walks on while outside of it are what I call the Blank Canvas. A universe counter-part from ours, where only white can be seen. The idea of that concept can be clearly depicted in one scene from Coraline, 2009 fantasy movie from the book authored by Neil Gaiman, where Coraline has already solved the mystery of the realm she entered and is slowly dissolving into it's original form. I couldn't explain it well but the gist of it is that.

The universe this Boy lives in is a mixed-race realm where there is no deep conflict despite having problems or miscommunications. They are governed by the library and guardians of a crystal tower. Events unfold and a world altering scenario changes his life, and what he meant in the world, he is neither an under-achiever or an under dog though. But his youth is something that makes him an under dog. Proving himself to other's didn't become obvious at first, which probably what he didn't figure out in the first parts of the story.

It's a usual shounen like story that I always read or watch in the anime's that I've encountered back in my college days. And drawing them again in a style as animated as the first image made me feel alive and awesome in my own skin. Something I've been missing these past few days as a working adult worrying about too many things in life. Right now I'm going to focus on creating my comics Tamtam, despite not it having started yet. This year end months had so much in it that the stress I got from it became too much that even my romantic head had wrapped around in a bobble of anxious dilemma.

I'm not going to put my characters details cause I've re-written their existence right now into different roles for Tamtam. A far cry from the fantasy-adventure story I had intended them to be in, although fantasy is still in it plus a little hints of the old story they original came from. Either way, encountering nostalgia in this sense gives much motivation to focus on things in a positive way, which is always what these entries I end up writing end in. Noting positivity like I was the most optimistic being in my planet.

Komikon Aftermath . Petshap Inc's out there! . After thoughts

Today is monday, Nov.21st, the day after the two day rush of adrenaline local comics convention (sigh of relief) and to this day I have never felt as well satisfied as the first time I've attended an event to sell my stuff back at my first Ozine indie table.

Source

This is the first convention that I didn't create and sell a new title of any kind, one-shot or any of the series I have or currently want to create. Instead we, my friend and I, pushed and promoted our semi-business art group Petshap Inc's. Despite my demeanor through out the event for being sick, the first two days of my budding sniffles and coughs that eventually turned full fledge phlegm war, I had the opportunity to work out some sweat and suck up my guts into focusing semi-full in marketing and trying our best being sellers. I didn't get to sell much, as a sales person, according to my opinion and of course comparing it to some of the people who I saw. But seeing our merchandise get attention and well enough recognition says quite a lot. Not to mention the appreciation for our artworks that were on the items we sold.

Yes, the prices we're not that satisfyingly good to even consider getting all the capital we had to give, but the exposure was well worth (although, we honestly sold a lot in the first day and a few for the second). Now just a little bit more push to our aim, and knowledge of what the people actually do want, we can move forward on events and occasions where we will have the opportunity to plan and sell our items and talents again.

This is a laughing matter, considering that I'm almost half way into giving up on fully making an effort again yet here I see our hard worn efforts into making these items becomes something uplifting, even if it was just a little. Truly a rewarding moment for me, and any negative thoughts may come, it still would no dampen that small feeling of letting our efforts be appreciated by any means.

To my comics making, it won't go away, it won't leave my heart. And even if I am able to say that somehow I am more eager to give attention and support to Petshap Inc's, my side as a comics creator felt effectively fueled. After seeing our table mates Pop Shop's comics creators for the title of Tanod and Mang Jose, which sad to say I never got to truly browse and give praise cause I was to shy and other stuff (thanks hesitant last minute self), there was that admiration I had that won't go away still for awesome comics makers out in the field. Indie and unpicked by any specific publishers or well on their way to publish-dom.

Source

The same goes for Petshap Inc's that is either on it's path to being a design for commission group or design group for items that can be given as gift that are awful fancy and cute, pretty long interpretation of the path but oh-well, there is never going to be a good day for me but if I choose to be happy even for the simplest of these moments, then I thank providence for all these fortunate things however small.

Soon Petshap Inc's will be having it's tiny process of refurbishing aims again, while my new comics title will be done and on it's way to a good hope and future.

Age and time may hinder me, yet the efforts of these two days are truly a blessing even if I was sick and I couldn't successfully make any rounds around.

Also first time experiencing so many, at least around five, people asking for a commission from me, such tiring interactions to humans that I guess I am alright with. Work stress to develop my skills are always welcome.

Spread them Wings . Bound in Blood first Review

Today I received word that the comics I drew "Bound In Blood" got it's first review by Outright Geekery.

Link to Review

Review wise, it's my first to ever see one, my old webcomics had a review of it's own but I had to stop working on it because I lost my own motivation to do so, still it's not that bad. Having people review your work is the best thing, whether it's to criticize it or not.

Honestly was hoping there would be reviews that are critique heavy in terms of developing the comics, but reviews to help spread the word is good as well. Also, critique heavy ones might not even be that reasonable cause it's only the first issue, having positive ones will always be an expected one.

On the side note, we are finally spreading out on announcing Petshap Inc's attendance in November Komikon 2016. And finally getting myself to finish prepping things. (printing final sets of ad's, photo-cards to sell, tags for the coin purses, etc.)

Also had a fuck up with this file. I saved it and over wrote on the psd file converting it into a jpg. I don't know how it happened, seriously do not. For the better I just didn't want to think anymore and am glad that I finished the layout without that much problem. Still, good bye editable file, if I wanted to use you again I might never. The end.

Komikon 2016 . Petshap Incs

Here we go again. November is coming and Komikon, the premiere comics convention in the Philippines (I don't really know if it's premiere or anything, but it's one of the well known), is just around the corner!

Me and a few friends of mine formed a group that focuses on Line and Doodle art works. The groups name is Petshap Inc's, sort of a word play for Ink's since majority of our works will be black and white emphasizing our skills to create from pen and ink, and our "pet" name for our group of friends that we just kind of tagged on ourselves out of fondness. Six years has passed since our college days, or the year we kind of just stuck with each other yet we're still growing strong, or any kind of metaphor strong could apply in our bond as friends.

This year end, we're going on an epic journey to introducing ourselves into the realm of business. (insert party poppers and dab-jamming here)

Check it!

Featured in this group as artist contributors are Briks (frozenpillows on IG) and yours truly typing away (pansikoser on IG). We've been actively uploading on our redbubble site, but have limited social marketing for it, still it ain't that bad to consider as we are still both struggling and it's only the first few months of our own plights. Still, trying to make a mark in this industry (that feels quite somewhere there but not) we've opted to sell merchandise designed by us.

Petshap Inc's IG

Coin purses. Yes, our designs, printed on canvas cloth and sewn to perfection. The designs on it were specifically intended to be laid out as pattern designs. It was quite fascinating to do such designs, although having no idea on what to put on them is a bummer. But there's nothing better than seeing your project come into fruition.

And this coming Komikon will be our setting stone!

Last year I didn't get to sell much of my self drawn comics, although this year I'm doing a different project I'm still going to sell some of my titles. Originally I had intended to create a new comics series to sell in the indie section of Komikon, Indieket, but I had been going through some mishaps in producing pages for the story and the story itself. Being unsatisfied with a story has always been a mishap for me, but I'm honest enough to say I'm more eager to start and completely finish this future project.

Anyway we still don't have the details for where we will be placed in the convention but I hope it's going to be good, probably get the details this coming saturday.

Watch Me: movie lising: Donnie Darko (2001)

There is nothing wrong with the concept of just clearly messing up time and space. Time travel, cross examination of existence between time lines, I guess making an effort to live life like so, discovering the definition of life changing and life ruining.

These days I find myself not enjoying any much content in any media for various 'I'm tired' reason. This prompted me to just embrace that too sensible or serious side and watch tons of physics and life questioning related movies. Psychological thrillers or just plain existentialism in movie platform are nice to watch, they pull strings that I couldn't feel sometimes. Or I feel it too much I've gone numb?

Last night I skipped working, just a bit, to finally watch Donnie Darko (2001) and a bit of Source Code (2011), since I was too sleepy the hour I watched the latter. Both are movies with Science-fiction concepts, Source Code with the stronger Scifi vibes, and both starred Jake Gyllenhaal, which I just realized when I started to watch Source Code. It wasn't intentional when I looked them up and went on and got a copy of the movies.

Donnie Darko has been in the list of my 'I'm highly curious' but 'I just couldn't get to you due to priorities are different' reasons of not watching it the moment I saw a tidbit info about it. There aren't much of a reaction for me on the movie since everything in it felt dream like, which they are. Fun was one word for the story, where in a sense the ending clearly concluded a good ending for the plights of Donnie who was clearly disturbed mayhaps for a semi-realistic or purely science fiction reasons.

Everyone in the world should try and watch Donnie with a sense and purpose of trying to look for easter eggs everywhere in the movie, at least still relating to the story, and never forgetting to set their empathy to a neutral level. Feelings flushed to me when I watched every part of it, shifting every relative sympathy and empathy for Donnie and the characters situation or flow of the story, wherever it lead. On the type of time and space fuck up it used was something I point out as sense of prediction, where everything was a linear end to a means but the ultimate decider still ended with Donnie.

At first you would get a bit confused why the story focused on several lives of characters that seemed insignificant during the course and even the moment they show up in the story, they are however significant in a sense that they formed what kind of Donnie would be by the end of the movie. This story clearly showed a good example of utilizing the characters around the main character, and the setting plot, to evolve them into what they can be. Almost all of them are praise worthy no matter how good or bad, a clear line of grey, their actions were. Except for Frank, who I didn't appreciate how strongly he was present in the whole of the movie, only to be truly introduced to be an almost third tier character related to Darko. His significance was the greatest yet he was the most irrelevant in terms of relation.

That itself makes me think that the person who wrote this story is that awesome, kudos Kelly.

The heaviness of the movie, due to all the psychological elements in it, tends to steer you completely away from the ending that was evident, a clear and obvious sign of Donnie's death or might be the end of his known world. The end can be interpreted in any way possible, but one thing was sure, it was the end for Donnie and him alone. Imagine being flooded by such thoughts at a young age clearly says something about the mentality of his character.

By the time you watch the climax of the movie you will be filled by assurance and hope that maybe Donnie could find a way to fight the inevitable. The end that he so feared, that, the fear he clearly felt drove him to almost endanger every single person important in his life. You can guess by this time that the end that was meant in the movie was his end, yet you question yourself whether he did choose to travel back in time or was it all truly in his head. Evident to the waking dreams of each character that made a grave distinction in his story, to the memorable up to the unpleasant ones.

Questioning the end, like the unconfirmed ending for Inception, is also another sign for me that the movie has truly caught your attention. Whether you get to have an answer for that won't matter, since the movie itself has already finished its purpose.

Telling a tale and making the viewer think for themselves of what is happening, to me, is a very captivating but taxing movie. You'd have to be a mental freak, or curious high mind; or a brain masochist, to enjoy one. Mind you, there is nothing wrong about that, it just means you'd rather have a high end mental entertainment in a level of which you'd rather not want to loose your mind in the course of enjoying everything. On the other, it's nice to get almost mindless and ignorantly stupid, site Angry Birds movie characters, which can also happen during the course in Donnie Darko.

There are that many elements emphasized to make you aware and even shallowly depressed, but it doesn't mean it won't pull you up. Life ups and downs are strongly evident in this story, and nothing short of the term roller coaster will truly miss a beat.

I feel like a child that missed out after watching this movie, now my inner child isn't missing out anymore, except I just need a different kind of outlet to make myself happier than the normal happy. The ignorant happy kind.