... is sometimes a bugger... I tend to remember that often times people around me makes me feel insecure for some reason. Left behind, feeling in doubt.
Sometimes I feel that in the office when my office mates meander about behind my back, mind you the setting of our office is... on one row I sit on my left with a person from a different department and the rest of the seats on my right are semi-un-occupied(because sometimes the people from my department sit there just to use the program, yes, yes we do not have one definite seat where all our programs can be used in a go...) and finally the row behind us with their back facing ours is the rest of the department I belong to. I feel alone sometimes when I hear them laugh about something and I'm not there to hear the whole stuff.
And even if my left seat mate occupies me, sometimes it feels different when it's your fellow employees from the same department that you can share stories with. I guess this is a typical 'reminisce of feeling' from back when we were students and all your classmates are in the joke while you're just too damned slow; or special in the ways of understanding and thinking things; or just plain inattentive.
Personally I get over with it fast but the feeling rises up sometimes and it makes me depressed... and right now I don't really feel like expressing this kind of damned feeling towards the people I spend time with online. I muster that they are my friends... I can tell them anything and they will just accept me for who I am.(hell maybe even shout a fuck off emo moment LOL) Yet, I trust them... but I just don't feel like telling them these "depressing" type of emotions. I dunno.
I don't hate them hate them. I like them. I love them. I don't hate myself... nor any of them for that matter. Sometimes I feel annoyed by some interactions between my friends, but thats just my ego talking. Swear to someone below the lines that for some reasons... I always have my own world even if I have others to share my world with...
Does this mean I love myself too much? Do I really have a subliminal idea in my head that I don't really, love, trust or I'm just lying and convincing myself in my head of the things I want to see?
... well... No... I'm sorry, I always have a ready answer.
Providence is weirdly kind sometimes.
And the idea of expressing myself online... I think I like talking to them personally with such a thing.
In any case, this is always a resolved/unresolved/resolved matter for me...
enjoy~
